stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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