Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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