I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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