I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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