This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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