I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
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