Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
