You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
