My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
