Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Girls should come with a carfax report
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
