I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
