They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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