I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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