Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
