So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
