OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
