Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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