Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
