why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
