Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
