Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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