You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize