fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
