Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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