there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is the high leading the old right now
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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