i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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