I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
