What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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