gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
