yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
