My balls are so social today.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
