My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
