he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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