my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
