you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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