i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Randomize
