I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
