please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
