i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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