that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize