i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
