I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
