I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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