He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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