when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
