if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize