My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
