he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
