So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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