He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
