You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
