Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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