My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
