Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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