Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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