got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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