I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
