Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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