my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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