you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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