When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
