I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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