I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
