Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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