mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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