My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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